I'm trying!

Today is your sister Abigails 6^th birthday. Im trying very hard for everyone to be happy, smile thru the tears and heartache. Its hard, everyday is a challenge. I cry everyday, I cant say your name without breaking down. Ive been trying very hard to keep busy since the girls and daddy have been gone to school and work. All I do is clean because as soon as I sit still the pain comes. It gets hard to breathe. At night its the hardest, I hate the dark. Feels so quiet and empty. Today is going better then yesterday, yesterday I had a screaming match with God for a half an hour about how mad I am at him. I feel he could have healed you and he choose not to. How can he do that to me? I wanted and prayed for you every single day since I found out I was pregnant, I feel they were wasted prayers. Im still so angry with him!!!! Last night when I was tucking Abigail into bed, she asked me about you and what you looked like when I held you. Your daddy and I have your pictures but I feel that she is not old enough to see all the little details of your tiny body. So I had to answer her questions about how small you were. She asked about your hands and feet, which I knew she would but then she asked how big your little butt was. Once again I broke down at that question, I could not answer honestly because I just realized I never got to see it!! O how I wish I did. I know it sounds silly but I have so little of you. I want to see all of you, and kiss you and just hold you in my arms! How do you say goodbye to a baby you had growing inside of you for over 7 months!! How do I say goodbye to all the hopes and dreams I have for you!! Everyone says with time things will get better. I pray and long for those days, it hurts to much right now!

 I once had a son who now lives with God above,
I never got to know him and I never knew his love,
I once had a son whose heart beat close to mine,
I never knew his beauty for I never got the time,
For my son he was taken before the dawn could break,
He's now sleeping in my heart where his share of love he takes.
When I see my children who now walk here by my side,
There's a sweet image of my son mirrored in their eyes,
When I see a rose bud dropped to the ground too soon,
It reminds me of my baby who was gone before he bloomed,
If God should stand before me and grant me one last wish,
I'd wish my baby in my arms to on his head bestow a kiss.
I know I have my children who to me are very dear,
But there's an empty place within my life for which I shed a tear,
So I question God each day as to why he couldn't stay,
Why my son was given to me then silently taken away,
But I know I have to be patient and wait till I go home,
Then within the grounds of God's heavenly home my son and I will roam!