Lots of new adventures going on in our lives this year. Its our first year of home schooling. It has been a big adjustment but I feel blessed to be able to do it. More importantly I think my kids will truly be blessed by it and the time we get to spend together. We also started art classes, gymnastics and life groups. So, LOTS going on. You know that quote that says "All in Gods timing." Well, I get it. If God would have even put the thought in my head to home school my girls last year, I would have laughed and thought that God had gone crazy.
This past week my oldest daughter was studying Moses and the burning bush. One of the things she kept on coming back to was that Moses kept telling God to "pick someone else" or that he had a "slow-tongue" and was not a good leader. Well, I was totally like Moses for a long time.
Throughout my 20s I was VERY self conscious. I was set in my ways. I had my friends, really didnt care to make new ones because I was to nervous and scared to think about what people might think of me. My girls had their friends, whose parents I was friends with so I didnt have to worry about meeting new people. About two years ago, I started praying for God to not let me be so self-concious and nervous around people. Last year around this time, I started a womens group at church, the first step to conquering my fear. The first week I absolutely hated it, I was to nervous to be myself, I was terrified that no one would like me, I cared way WAY to much about what people thought of my appearance.....all the stupid petty things that held me back from me being the best me that I can be. Last year, I would never have been able to do what I am doing this year. New gymnastic class for home schoolers...... All of these people already know each other and have play dates and are familiar with each other. Last year you would have had to drag me kicking and screaming to jump into something like that. But this year we did it!! New art classes at the Center for Home Education. Once again we are the new people, but again we (I) made it through the first 3 weeks already. A couple of weeks ago I had an epiphany......I didnt care! I didnt care what any of these people thought of me. I didnt care if they thought I was pretty, smart, a good mom, poor, wealthy, fat!! I didnt care! I was there for my kids, if I happened to have a conversation with a parent, fine. I didnt care and it felt EXCELLENT!! Im 31 years old, and for the first time in a long time I did not care what anyone thought about me. There is this quote on pinterest that says "I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me. Now I walk around and wonder if I like them." I really like not caring! Please dont get me wrong I care about people and their hearts. However, if they choose not to like me, or not want to be my friend, then Im okay with that. Last year I would have sat there and wondered what was wrong with me. This year, I know Im a pretty darn good person, and if it was meant to be it will be. In Gods eyes I am perfect!!!
I must confess to you that this last week has been horrible. Lots of tears, lots of anger...anger towards who? everyone, everything, God, myself....Ive just been angry and hurt! I hurt everywhere. I now know why they call it being heart broken, it literally feels like my heart is in pieces, i physically hurt.
Lets start at the beginning. A few weeks ago we decided to home school my youngest daughter because she had a very difficult time keeping up in kindergarten and is still not close to where she should be for 1st grade. Instead of leaving her back, my husband and I, thought to keep track of her learning more closely it would work better for us to home school her. My oldest daughter heard us talking about this, and of course she also wanted to be home schooled. So the ball started rolling, and we started buying books about home schooling, and going on webpages, searching and buying what seems to be the best curriculum,and signing them up for art classes, music classes, etc. I was determined that my kids would not miss out on anything. Then one day my husband asked where we were going to home school. It didnt even occur to me that we need desks, bookcases and chalkboards, just a place of learning. The only logically place was "Jacobs room." The only empty room we had upstairs.I wanted to be selfish and scream "NO THATS MY BABIES ROOM!" Instead, the next day we went "school room shopping" and bought all the posters and dry erase boards, everything to make the kids transition from public school to home school easier......and gone was my baby`s room. No longer did I have a baby room in my house. I know your thinking its just a room. To me it was not, it was my sons. When we were building this house, I had the blue picked out for the walls, I had the furniture picked out, I knew where my rocking chair would go ( next to the window, so I could rock him and look into the back yard). In one weekend that was all gone. It felt so final....we had already packed up all the baby items and put them in the closet in "Jacobs room" but besides that it was an empty room, and I wanted to keep it that way until one day when God would tell us its time to have another baby. Now its a school room, and every time I go in there it physically hurts. I think it stings more now because this is around the time that the nursery would have been complete, this was supposed to be the exciting time, the waiting game....any day now we should have been having our son. My nursery is gone, and my baby is gone....its so final...i hate it!
This last month has been pure craziness. We have officially moved into our new home, thank you Lord. Last October, Dave took the day off work just so that we can spend some time together, we went out to lunch and on a whim we decided to stop in the First Texas homes office and see what they had to offer. Long story short we ended up falling in love with this floor plan called the brighton, and right then and there started the process of building our dream home. At the time we were not approved for a loan, did not know either of our credit scores, and had no clue if we would even at the end be able to get this house. We went by faith, as soon as we saw the house we both started praying for it. It was everything that we had asked for and more. Our current home we were living in we always knew was a transition home, we moved into it as soon as we moved from PA, we had absolutely no time to look around and my husband had to start a new job asap so we choose that house mainly because of the school district. Was it small yes, did we out grow the house yes, but we were happy there and it served its purpose for the last 5 1/2 years. I got the itch to look at houses last summer, my husband and I started looking at foreclosures online in the nicer areas, not just Keller, like Southlake, Colleyville etc. We looked at foreclosures because we knew that we could never afford to live in the size house we wanted at full asking price. One day while I was looking at foreclosures online,God spoke to me as clear as day and said "I will give you something better than that." I told my husband about it the next day when we were driving, and he just said "Well I hope so." And the whole house hunting thing was dropped until we just so happen to stop into that First Texas homes office a couple of months later. After starting the process last October, MANY issues came up, our last mortgage was not reporting correctly on our credit scores, Daves credit was no where near where it had to be, there was bills and loans that we had to pay off (goodbye savings) but still by faith we kept the building going and believed we would get this house. Were some days easier to believe then others, ABSOLUTELY! On the bad days, I would pray and pray and pray. "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it." I would repeat bible verses in my head like Jeremiah 29:11 (which I now have posted in my foyer) and Psalms 37:4 (which I plan on posting somewhere in this house)...I would also have other ppl pray for us and I truly believe thru those prayers we got this house. There was a point in May after Jacob passed away where we hit a road bump (more like a MAJOR DETOUR) on getting the house. I will honestly tell you that I was happy at first. We designed this house with a nursery and I no longer had my baby to fill that nursery. I thought that by not getting this home it would make the pain less. Totally the devil getting in my head, telling me that not only was that nursery empty but it will always be an empty room. After a week of hating this home (and my life and everyone around me), I choose to believe those words that God spoke over me and my family...We will have something better than that...not only in our new home but in our lives and in the emptiness in our hearts. We closed last June on the exact last day of the girls school year, which meant the girls got to finish in the same school and not have to switch in the middle of the year (another answered prayer). This house means so much to me and my family. It is an answered prayer at a time when we needed God to show his face in our lives. 2013 started out mighty sucky for my family, but even with the bad I know I am blessed. My kids have an amazing home to grow up in, and be proud of.
Tomorrow will be 1 month since Jacobs birth and death. I can have a great day and even on the best of them the pain comes so suddenly. I feel in my life everything happens suddenly. 6 years ago we decided to move to TX suddenly, when i was 19 I was suddenly pregnant with my oldest daughter Nadiya, Daves job offer came suddenly, and most recently the death of our son. According to the dictionary the word sudden means happening without warning, occurring without transition from the previous form or state, unforeseen, quick or swift. When God works he works suddenly. My hope is that one day I will wake up and suddenly be healed from this pain and anger I have towards God. My mother asked me if I was going to church this weekend and my answer was the same as it has been the 3 weeks before "no." No because I dont want to see all those brown haired baby boys who run around everywhere, no because I do not want to see my friends who were pregnant right along with me, no because my husband is not ready but most of all no because I am still grieving. I wait anxiously to have my suddenly, my moment of healing. I'm sure one day I will wake up and suddenly want to go to church, but today is not the day. I have been praying for God to speak to me and show me the reasons for why this happened. I went to lunch with a friend this past week and she told me that "you cant get stuck in why God lets things happen. You have to focus on the fact that God has his reasons." So that is what I am going to try to do, have faith that Gods reasons for letting something like this happen is far greater than the plans I have. Plans of good and not evil, plans of a future and hope.
Tomorrow I am asking you to keep me and my family in your prayers. Pray for comfort and strength. Pray that I am suddenly stronger emotionally then I have been this past month. Pray for a sudden moment of healing for my husband and I!
Suddenly, Jesus himself came along and joined them and began walking beside them. Luke 24:15
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. Luke 2:13
And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. Acts 2:2
As he was approaching Damascus on this mission, a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him. Acts 9:3
Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the
prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and
everyone's chains came loose. Acts 16:26
There is this quote by Mr. Rogers that has been running through my mind lately. "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." I remember during the Boston bombings people were saying this a lot. This past school year I started going to this group at my church on Thursdays called Titus 2. It's a womens group that teaches on being the best mommy, wife, God lover that you can be. I dont remember who was speaking but I remember someone talking about God being present in the most horrible situation that this certain person has gone thru. Finding God in the mess of things. "Finding the helper." So I thought back on the "mess" my family went thru less then a month ago. Where were the helpers? I can tell you looking back, now that the pain has somewhat dulled, that there were many and that God was definitely there. For one there is my doctor. Godly man, great personality. A helper! Dave and him got along great right away. On the day of my 29 week doctors appointment and the doctor told us that Jacobs heart was not beating, Dave said he looked at the doctor and he could tell that he did not want to say those words, that it hurt him to say it and that he was sad for us. He left the room to let Dave and I cry and let everything sink in, he returned gave us hugs, and told us we can come in to induce labor whenever we were emotionally ready. God was there, no rushing, no pushing, we could do it on our time. After we left the doctors office, Dave and I sat in our car, cried and made those HORRIBLE calls and texts to family and friends. The whole time, I prayed for strength to get thru the next couple of days. I remember repeating it out loud and in my head over and over again. I would cry "Jesus help me I cant do this on my own" or just "Give me strength Lord." We decided to go in and get induced that night because I emotionally could not function. On the way to the hospital, Dave drove and was crying, and I just continued to pray. I did not shed a tear from that point on. God, my helper was totally there! At the hospital we met our nurse, Anita. I instantly liked her and found out that she had 2 daughters and she also had a stillborn son, just like me. Once again a helper. I remember saying to Dave after we first met her that she was my blessing that God sent to get me through this. Also in conversation, it came up that she was a devote christian, and that the only way she got thru the death of her son was because of her faith. God was there! I forgot to mention the room that they put us in just so happened to be room number 11. For those who have known me for a long time know my favorite number is 11. I gave birth to my beautiful tiny baby boy in room 11 with 2 Godly people around me (3 if you include my husband). I did not cry when he was born, I had the peace and strength that I had prayed for. I kept telling my husband I can not cry or else I will not stop crying. God obviously knew this was true, so I didnt. After Jacob as born, I had to go to the operating room for a D&C because my placenta would not come out. I was put to sleep. Another thing that I am thankful for, it sort of numbed my pain, emotionally that is. The only visitor we had at the hospital was a pastor from our church who prayed for us and Jacob. Another helper. When we got home from the hospital there were many helpers and that is when God let me fall apart. I think he knew that I was surrounded by people willing to help. For a long time I was angry with God, I thought that he had failed me, abandoned me when I need him the most. I guess I just failed to see the helpers. I'm still hurt, and but more sad about what could have been then angry with God. I do not cry as much these days. The hole in my heart will always be there but I am surviving thanks to my God, and his helpers!
This past Sunday was Mother's Day. UGH!! I did not think it would be so hard. I spent most of the day in bed. I kept telling Dave that it was just a normal day, and that if I could fast forward I would. There were some bright points throughout the day, Dave got me the ring I wanted from nelle and lizzy, with the girls names and Jacobs on it, it was very very sweet.
Heres a pic------------------------------------------------->
The girls also came in the room and gave me lots of love and drew pictures and made cards so that was very sweet. I am so thankful for them, they make me smile and laugh on the worst days!! I try to tell myself that I should feel happy and blessed with the children I have, so I smile thru the tears and take one day at a time. Its hard! But i will get through this, and come out of the storm stronger and wiser.
This morning was my pre-op appointment with Dr. Rost my OBGYN. We found out that there was abnormalities with my placenta, which explains the bleeding I had a 11 weeks and again at around 24 weeks. The placenta was not strong enough to provide for Jacob. Breaks my heart! Dr. Rost said that it is very unlikely to happen again, and that if we wanted to start trying to have a baby again we can in 2 months once my cycle goes back to normal. Dave is ready to try again asap but honestly the thought of even trying again scares the shit out of me!! I will be the most emotional paranoid pregnant women on earth. I told the doctor that I will be a wreck, Dr Rost is completely amazing tho and said that I can come in anytime I want if needed, even if its just to hear the babys heartbeat to get some assurance which is good to know. Dave told him that he is going to buy an ultrasound machine because of how paranoid we will be. I have always dreamed of having a large family. I love my kids, I am one of those moms who doesnt mind having their kids with them all the time, I dont like when they sleep over other peoples houses cause I would rather have them with me, I just love spending time with my kids! But Im scared, what happens if something like this happens again, what happens if there is something wrong with me, what happens if we cant get pregnant right away like we did last time....All these questions are constantly running through my mind. I cant go through this again, emotionally, if something like this happens again. On the other hand I cant stop thinking about having a baby, how great of a big sister the girls would have been to Jacob, how loving Dave is with his children and how much a baby would have blessed our family! Dave and I really need to pray about it!!
This past weekend my family and I decided to take a mini vacation and we headed to The Great Wolf Lodge. It was a much needed break, my family has been thru a lot these past 2 weeks. The girls had a blast (and daddy too) going on all of the water slides and the wave pool. It was nice to see everyone smiling again. If you ever have the chance to go I would highly recommend it, especially if you have kids! Even I had fun, I didnt cry the whole time we were there, but when we got home I broke down as soon as we walked in the door. Its hard coming home, there are so many memories and reminders or being pregnant. I dont know how to explain it, its the little things that will trigger a memory and one minute Im fine and smiling and the next I am in the bathroom sobbing. I guess it is something I have to get used to. Yesterday both Dave and I had bad days coping with everything. He came home angry with God, and I was just sad most of the day. I am so thankful for my girls on days like that, they make me smile and laugh even when I dont think I can, or even want to.
Last night Abigail had her "3 little pigs play" which was very cute and all the kindergartners did a fabulous job. Abby was a little wolf and she looked so cute with her wolf ears and painted black nose. It was nice to get out of the house and do something different. When I am still,especially at night,, is when its the hardest. I was worried about going up to the school because I do not want to talk about what happened yet to anyone. Im still not ready, and Im scared if someone asks me something that I might break down and cry. Thankfully I only saw a few people I know and no one said anything. So I let myself relax and enjoy watching my little wolf. These next 2 weeks are going to be very busy at school for the girls and that is a blessing. I like busy these days, the busy days are the easiest!
