Need to Pray!

     This past Sunday was Mother's Day. UGH!! I did not think it would be so hard. I spent most of the day in bed. I kept telling Dave that it was just a normal day, and that if I could fast forward I would. There were some bright points throughout the day, Dave got me the ring I wanted from nelle and lizzy, with the girls names and Jacobs on it, it was very very sweet. 
Heres a pic------------------------------------------------->
The girls also came in the room and gave me lots of love and drew pictures and made cards so that was very sweet. I am so thankful for them, they make me smile and laugh on the worst days!! I try to tell myself that I should feel happy and blessed with the children I have, so I smile thru the tears and take one day at a time. Its hard! But i will get through this, and come out of the storm stronger and wiser. 

     This morning was my pre-op appointment with Dr. Rost my OBGYN. We found out that there was abnormalities with my placenta, which explains the bleeding I had a 11 weeks and again at around 24 weeks. The placenta was not strong enough to provide for Jacob. Breaks my heart! Dr. Rost said that it is very unlikely to happen again, and that if we wanted to start trying to have a baby again we can in 2 months once my cycle goes back to normal. Dave is ready to try again asap but honestly the thought of even trying again scares the shit out of me!! I will be the most emotional paranoid pregnant women on earth. I told the doctor that I will be a wreck, Dr Rost is completely amazing tho and said that I can come in anytime I want if needed, even if its just to hear the babys heartbeat to get some assurance which is good to know. Dave told him that he is going to buy an ultrasound machine because of how paranoid we will be.  I have always dreamed of having a large family. I love my kids, I am one of those moms who doesnt mind having their kids with them all the time, I dont like when they sleep over other peoples houses cause I would rather have them with me, I just love spending time with my kids! But Im scared, what happens if something like this happens again, what happens if there is something wrong with me, what happens if we cant get pregnant right away like we did last time....All these questions are constantly running through my mind. I cant go through this again, emotionally, if something like this happens again. On the other hand I cant stop thinking about having a baby, how great of a big sister the girls would have been to Jacob, how loving Dave is with his children and how much a baby would have blessed our family! Dave and I really need to pray about it!!