Suddenly

Tomorrow will be 1 month since Jacobs birth and death. I can have a great day and even on the best of them the pain comes so suddenly. I feel in my life everything happens suddenly. 6 years ago we decided to move to TX suddenly, when i was 19 I was suddenly pregnant with my oldest daughter Nadiya, Daves job offer came suddenly, and most recently the death of our son. According to the dictionary the word sudden means happening without warning, occurring without transition from the previous form or state, unforeseen, quick or swift. When God works he works suddenly. My hope is that one day I will wake up and suddenly be healed from this pain and anger I have towards God. My mother asked me if I was going to church this weekend and my answer was the same as it has been the 3 weeks before "no." No because I dont want to see all those brown haired baby boys who run around everywhere, no because I do not want to see my friends who were pregnant right along with me, no because my  husband is not ready but most of all no because I am still grieving. I wait anxiously to have my suddenly, my moment of healing. I'm sure one day I will wake up and suddenly want to go to church, but today is not the day. I have been praying for God to speak to me and show me the reasons for why this happened. I went to lunch with a friend this past week and she told me that "you cant get stuck in why God lets things happen. You have to focus on the fact that God has his reasons." So that is what I am going to try to do, have faith that Gods reasons for letting something like this happen is far greater than the plans I have. Plans of good and not evil, plans of a future and hope. 
Tomorrow I am asking you to keep me and my family in your prayers. Pray for comfort and strength. Pray that I am suddenly stronger emotionally then I have been this past month.  Pray for a sudden moment of healing for my husband and I!



Suddenly, Jesus himself came along and joined them and began walking beside them. Luke 24:15

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. Luke 2:13

And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled all the house where they were sitting. Acts 2:2

As he was approaching Damascus on this mission, a light from heaven suddenly shone down around him. Acts 9:3

Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone's chains came loose. Acts 16:26

Finding the Helpers!

There is this quote by Mr. Rogers that has been running through my mind lately. "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." I remember during the Boston bombings people were saying this a lot. This past school year I started going to this group at my church on Thursdays called Titus 2. It's a womens group that teaches on being the best mommy, wife, God lover that you can be. I dont remember who was speaking but I remember someone talking about God being present in the most horrible situation that this certain person has gone thru. Finding God in the mess of things. "Finding the helper." So I thought back on the "mess" my family went thru less then a month ago. Where were the helpers? I can tell you looking back, now that the pain has somewhat dulled, that there were many and that God was definitely there. For one there is my doctor. Godly man, great personality. A helper! Dave and him got along great right away. On the day of my 29 week doctors appointment and the doctor told us that Jacobs heart was not beating, Dave said he looked at the doctor and he could tell that he did not want to say those words, that it hurt him to say it and that he was sad for us. He left the room to let Dave and I cry and let everything sink in, he returned gave us hugs, and told us we can come in to induce labor whenever we were emotionally ready. God was there, no rushing, no pushing, we could do it on our time. After we left the doctors office, Dave and I sat in our car, cried and made those HORRIBLE calls and texts to family and friends. The whole time, I prayed for strength to get thru the next couple of days. I remember repeating it out loud and in my head over and over again. I would cry "Jesus help me I cant do this on my own" or just "Give me strength Lord." We decided to go in and get induced that night because I emotionally could not function. On the way to the hospital, Dave drove and was crying, and I just continued to pray. I did not shed a tear from that point on. God, my helper was totally there! At the hospital we met our nurse, Anita. I instantly liked her and found out that she had 2 daughters and she also had a stillborn son, just like me. Once again a helper. I remember saying to Dave after we first met her that she was my blessing that God sent to get me through this. Also in conversation, it came up that she was a devote christian, and that the only way she got thru the death of her son was because of her faith. God was there! I forgot to mention the room that they put us in just so happened to be room number 11. For those who have known me for a long time know my favorite number is 11. I gave birth to my beautiful tiny baby boy in room 11 with 2 Godly people around me (3 if you include my husband).  I did not cry when he was born, I had the peace and strength that I had prayed for. I kept telling my husband I can not cry or else I will not stop crying. God obviously knew this was true, so I didnt. After Jacob as born, I had to go to the operating room for a D&C because my placenta would not come out. I was put to sleep. Another thing that I am thankful for, it sort of numbed my pain, emotionally that is. The only visitor we had at the hospital was a pastor from our church who prayed for us and Jacob. Another helper. When we got home from the hospital there were many helpers and that is when God let me fall apart. I think he knew that I was surrounded by people willing to help. For a long time I was angry with God, I thought that he had failed me, abandoned me when I need him the most. I guess I just failed to see the helpers. I'm still hurt, and but more sad about what could have been then angry with God. I do not cry as much these days. The hole in my heart will always be there but I am surviving thanks to my God, and his helpers!

Need to Pray!

     This past Sunday was Mother's Day. UGH!! I did not think it would be so hard. I spent most of the day in bed. I kept telling Dave that it was just a normal day, and that if I could fast forward I would. There were some bright points throughout the day, Dave got me the ring I wanted from nelle and lizzy, with the girls names and Jacobs on it, it was very very sweet. 
Heres a pic------------------------------------------------->
The girls also came in the room and gave me lots of love and drew pictures and made cards so that was very sweet. I am so thankful for them, they make me smile and laugh on the worst days!! I try to tell myself that I should feel happy and blessed with the children I have, so I smile thru the tears and take one day at a time. Its hard! But i will get through this, and come out of the storm stronger and wiser. 

     This morning was my pre-op appointment with Dr. Rost my OBGYN. We found out that there was abnormalities with my placenta, which explains the bleeding I had a 11 weeks and again at around 24 weeks. The placenta was not strong enough to provide for Jacob. Breaks my heart! Dr. Rost said that it is very unlikely to happen again, and that if we wanted to start trying to have a baby again we can in 2 months once my cycle goes back to normal. Dave is ready to try again asap but honestly the thought of even trying again scares the shit out of me!! I will be the most emotional paranoid pregnant women on earth. I told the doctor that I will be a wreck, Dr Rost is completely amazing tho and said that I can come in anytime I want if needed, even if its just to hear the babys heartbeat to get some assurance which is good to know. Dave told him that he is going to buy an ultrasound machine because of how paranoid we will be.  I have always dreamed of having a large family. I love my kids, I am one of those moms who doesnt mind having their kids with them all the time, I dont like when they sleep over other peoples houses cause I would rather have them with me, I just love spending time with my kids! But Im scared, what happens if something like this happens again, what happens if there is something wrong with me, what happens if we cant get pregnant right away like we did last time....All these questions are constantly running through my mind. I cant go through this again, emotionally, if something like this happens again. On the other hand I cant stop thinking about having a baby, how great of a big sister the girls would have been to Jacob, how loving Dave is with his children and how much a baby would have blessed our family! Dave and I really need to pray about it!!

I like busy!

    This past weekend my family and I decided to take a mini vacation and we headed to The Great Wolf Lodge. It was a much needed break, my family  has been thru a lot these past 2 weeks. The girls had a blast (and daddy too) going on all of the water slides and the wave pool. It was nice to see everyone smiling again. If you ever have the chance to go I would highly recommend it, especially if you have kids! Even I had fun, I didnt cry the whole time we were there, but when we got home I broke down as soon as we walked in the door. Its hard coming home, there are so many memories and reminders or being pregnant. I dont know how to explain it, its the little things that will trigger a memory and one minute Im fine and smiling and the next I am in the bathroom sobbing. I guess it is something I have to get used to. Yesterday both Dave and I had bad days coping with everything. He came home angry with God, and I was just sad most of the day.  I am so thankful for my girls on days like that, they make me smile and laugh even when I dont think I can, or even want to.
     Last night Abigail had her "3 little pigs play" which was very cute and all the kindergartners did a fabulous job. Abby was a little wolf and she looked so cute with her wolf ears and painted black nose. It was nice to get out of the house and do something different. When I am still,especially at night,, is when its the hardest. I was worried about going up to the school because I do not want to talk about what happened yet to anyone. Im still not ready, and Im scared if someone asks me something that I might break down and cry. Thankfully I only saw a few people I know and no one said anything. So I let myself relax and enjoy watching my little wolf. These next 2 weeks are going to be very busy at school for the girls and that is a blessing. I like busy these days, the busy days are the easiest!

Thank you

Today is an ok day. The first one I have had in a long time. I have not cried much today. Since I am feeling up to it, I want to just take this time to thank everyone.  Dave and I feel blessed to have such amazing family and friends in our lives. Thank you for the gifts, cards, flowers, food....we really do appreciate it. They have helped. It is still very hard for me to talk about so I have been VERY antisocial these past 10 days but thank you all for understanding. Dont give up on me, please continue to pray for my family! Dave has been my ROCK, my communicator, my EVERYTHING since this has happened and I just thank God for him every day. He has handle everything with such grace, and understanding. He has broken down and cried many times, but he has been so strong for me. This whole experience has brought us so much closer as husband and wife. I loved my husband before all of this happened but if you ask me today how I feel, I feel something special with Dave. I not only LOVE him but I feel no one else can know my pain like he does, its a bond that can never be broken. As for me and God....this is a tough one for me. I 110% know that this has brought my husband closer to God. As for me, I still have anger. I have cursed, screamed, cried out to him since this happened many times. A lot of it has to do with disappointment, i feel that God has failed me. That he choose not to listen to my prayers, and I am hurt beyond measure. One day I hope I can look you in the eyes and say that my relationship with God is great again, but today is not the day! I have a lot of hurt in my heart! This hurt is now something that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Everyone keeps saying "take it one day at a time". So that is what I am going to do. "Time heals all wounds" right?

1 week

Today is a tough one, 1 week ago at 4:25 am I gave birth to my stillborn son. How can 1 week seem to drag on, worst week of my life! The pain feels like it just happened yesterday. Tomorrow is going to be another HARD day. Tomorrow Dave and I have to go to the funeral home to sign the papers for Jacobs cremation. Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think that I would have to do this, you are not supposed to bury your kids, especially not a baby that didn't even have a chance here on earth. I really need prayers to get thru tomorrow! We have decided to get Jacob cremated instead of buried because we are not familiar with the cemeteries around here, and Dave wants to put it in our will that whoever dies first gets to be buried with Jacobs ashes. I know its only his body, and that his soul is in heaven but for the past week it has bothered me so much that his body is just all alone in the morgue. I think I will be somewhat relived when i have him with us.

I'm trying!

Today is your sister Abigails 6^th birthday. Im trying very hard for everyone to be happy, smile thru the tears and heartache. Its hard, everyday is a challenge. I cry everyday, I cant say your name without breaking down. Ive been trying very hard to keep busy since the girls and daddy have been gone to school and work. All I do is clean because as soon as I sit still the pain comes. It gets hard to breathe. At night its the hardest, I hate the dark. Feels so quiet and empty. Today is going better then yesterday, yesterday I had a screaming match with God for a half an hour about how mad I am at him. I feel he could have healed you and he choose not to. How can he do that to me? I wanted and prayed for you every single day since I found out I was pregnant, I feel they were wasted prayers. Im still so angry with him!!!! Last night when I was tucking Abigail into bed, she asked me about you and what you looked like when I held you. Your daddy and I have your pictures but I feel that she is not old enough to see all the little details of your tiny body. So I had to answer her questions about how small you were. She asked about your hands and feet, which I knew she would but then she asked how big your little butt was. Once again I broke down at that question, I could not answer honestly because I just realized I never got to see it!! O how I wish I did. I know it sounds silly but I have so little of you. I want to see all of you, and kiss you and just hold you in my arms! How do you say goodbye to a baby you had growing inside of you for over 7 months!! How do I say goodbye to all the hopes and dreams I have for you!! Everyone says with time things will get better. I pray and long for those days, it hurts to much right now!

 I once had a son who now lives with God above,
I never got to know him and I never knew his love,
I once had a son whose heart beat close to mine,
I never knew his beauty for I never got the time,
For my son he was taken before the dawn could break,
He's now sleeping in my heart where his share of love he takes.
When I see my children who now walk here by my side,
There's a sweet image of my son mirrored in their eyes,
When I see a rose bud dropped to the ground too soon,
It reminds me of my baby who was gone before he bloomed,
If God should stand before me and grant me one last wish,
I'd wish my baby in my arms to on his head bestow a kiss.
I know I have my children who to me are very dear,
But there's an empty place within my life for which I shed a tear,
So I question God each day as to why he couldn't stay,
Why my son was given to me then silently taken away,
But I know I have to be patient and wait till I go home,
Then within the grounds of God's heavenly home my son and I will roam!