I must confess to you that this last week has been horrible. Lots of tears, lots of anger...anger towards who? everyone, everything, God, myself....Ive just been angry and hurt! I hurt everywhere. I now know why they call it being heart broken, it literally feels like my heart is in pieces, i physically hurt.
Lets start at the beginning. A few weeks ago we decided to home school my youngest daughter because she had a very difficult time keeping up in kindergarten and is still not close to where she should be for 1st grade. Instead of leaving her back, my husband and I, thought to keep track of her learning more closely it would work better for us to home school her. My oldest daughter heard us talking about this, and of course she also wanted to be home schooled. So the ball started rolling, and we started buying books about home schooling, and going on webpages, searching and buying what seems to be the best curriculum,and signing them up for art classes, music classes, etc. I was determined that my kids would not miss out on anything. Then one day my husband asked where we were going to home school. It didnt even occur to me that we need desks, bookcases and chalkboards, just a place of learning. The only logically place was "Jacobs room." The only empty room we had upstairs.I wanted to be selfish and scream "NO THATS MY BABIES ROOM!" Instead, the next day we went "school room shopping" and bought all the posters and dry erase boards, everything to make the kids transition from public school to home school easier......and gone was my baby`s room. No longer did I have a baby room in my house. I know your thinking its just a room. To me it was not, it was my sons. When we were building this house, I had the blue picked out for the walls, I had the furniture picked out, I knew where my rocking chair would go ( next to the window, so I could rock him and look into the back yard). In one weekend that was all gone. It felt so final....we had already packed up all the baby items and put them in the closet in "Jacobs room" but besides that it was an empty room, and I wanted to keep it that way until one day when God would tell us its time to have another baby. Now its a school room, and every time I go in there it physically hurts. I think it stings more now because this is around the time that the nursery would have been complete, this was supposed to be the exciting time, the waiting game....any day now we should have been having our son. My nursery is gone, and my baby is gone....its so final...i hate it!
This last month has been pure craziness. We have officially moved into our new home, thank you Lord. Last October, Dave took the day off work just so that we can spend some time together, we went out to lunch and on a whim we decided to stop in the First Texas homes office and see what they had to offer. Long story short we ended up falling in love with this floor plan called the brighton, and right then and there started the process of building our dream home. At the time we were not approved for a loan, did not know either of our credit scores, and had no clue if we would even at the end be able to get this house. We went by faith, as soon as we saw the house we both started praying for it. It was everything that we had asked for and more. Our current home we were living in we always knew was a transition home, we moved into it as soon as we moved from PA, we had absolutely no time to look around and my husband had to start a new job asap so we choose that house mainly because of the school district. Was it small yes, did we out grow the house yes, but we were happy there and it served its purpose for the last 5 1/2 years. I got the itch to look at houses last summer, my husband and I started looking at foreclosures online in the nicer areas, not just Keller, like Southlake, Colleyville etc. We looked at foreclosures because we knew that we could never afford to live in the size house we wanted at full asking price. One day while I was looking at foreclosures online,God spoke to me as clear as day and said "I will give you something better than that." I told my husband about it the next day when we were driving, and he just said "Well I hope so." And the whole house hunting thing was dropped until we just so happen to stop into that First Texas homes office a couple of months later. After starting the process last October, MANY issues came up, our last mortgage was not reporting correctly on our credit scores, Daves credit was no where near where it had to be, there was bills and loans that we had to pay off (goodbye savings) but still by faith we kept the building going and believed we would get this house. Were some days easier to believe then others, ABSOLUTELY! On the bad days, I would pray and pray and pray. "Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it." I would repeat bible verses in my head like Jeremiah 29:11 (which I now have posted in my foyer) and Psalms 37:4 (which I plan on posting somewhere in this house)...I would also have other ppl pray for us and I truly believe thru those prayers we got this house. There was a point in May after Jacob passed away where we hit a road bump (more like a MAJOR DETOUR) on getting the house. I will honestly tell you that I was happy at first. We designed this house with a nursery and I no longer had my baby to fill that nursery. I thought that by not getting this home it would make the pain less. Totally the devil getting in my head, telling me that not only was that nursery empty but it will always be an empty room. After a week of hating this home (and my life and everyone around me), I choose to believe those words that God spoke over me and my family...We will have something better than that...not only in our new home but in our lives and in the emptiness in our hearts. We closed last June on the exact last day of the girls school year, which meant the girls got to finish in the same school and not have to switch in the middle of the year (another answered prayer). This house means so much to me and my family. It is an answered prayer at a time when we needed God to show his face in our lives. 2013 started out mighty sucky for my family, but even with the bad I know I am blessed. My kids have an amazing home to grow up in, and be proud of.
