How do I say goodbye to you? I loved
you with my whole heart before I ever even saw your face. I dreamed
of you from the day I found out that I was going to have a son. I
prayed for you everyday. I feel that god has failed me, and I dont
know how to get over this anger I have. I miss you so much that
sometimes it is so hard to breath. I am crying constantly and it is
not fair to your sisters. Mommy needs strength because I have none.
No one will ever know how bad I wanted and wished for you, my
beautiful boy, who I visioned with thick brown hair, that I would
always push to the side, amazing big brown eyes, like your sisters,
round face and head like Abigail, with mommys full lips and I could
even see you with freckles like your daddy and nadiya. But I will
never know what you will look like I was robbed of that. It makes my
heart break, I was robbed of so many things. I will never get to hear
you say my name or hold my hand, I will never get to rock you and
sing to you like I did with your sisters. I dont know how to get thru
this I miss you so much, it hurts so bad. I wanted my mommys boy!!!
Every thing I do reminds me of you, everything I see I see you. When
I close my eyes all I see and hear is the doctor telling me that you
were gone. I cant even sit in the rocking chair that I have had for
11 years because it reminds me that I will never get to rock you. I
want to apologize to you for not kissing you when I got to hold you
that one and only time. I should of kissed you but I was in shock, I
was so devastated that all I could do was sit there and stare at you
as I held you. I should have held you longer, not let the nurse come
in and get you. Kept you in my arms, where you are supposed to be. I
will regret it for the rest of my life!!! I should have sang to you!!
I hope you forgive me, o god I hope you know how much I love you,
with all my heart I love you. Jacob I would have loved you to the
moon and back, I would have been the best mother I knew how to be to
you and your sisters. I will never forget you, you will always be my
baby boy!!
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