not how i planned it

I must confess to you that this last week has been horrible. Lots of tears, lots of anger...anger towards who? everyone, everything, God, myself....Ive just been angry and hurt! I hurt everywhere. I now know why they call it being heart broken, it literally feels like my heart is in pieces, i physically hurt. 

Lets start at the beginning. A few weeks ago we decided to home school my youngest daughter because she had a very difficult time keeping up in kindergarten and is still not close to where she should be for 1st grade. Instead of leaving her back, my husband and I, thought to keep track of her learning more closely it would work better for us to home school her. My oldest daughter heard us talking about this, and of course she also wanted to be home schooled. So the ball started rolling, and we started buying books about home schooling, and going on webpages, searching and buying what seems to be the best curriculum,and signing them up for art classes, music classes, etc. I was determined that my kids would not miss out on anything. Then one day my husband asked where we were going to home school. It didnt even occur to me that we need desks, bookcases and chalkboards, just a place of learning. The only logically place was "Jacobs room." The only empty room we had upstairs.I wanted to be selfish and scream "NO THATS MY BABIES ROOM!" Instead, the next day we went "school room shopping" and bought all the posters and dry erase boards, everything to make the kids transition from public school to home school easier......and gone was my baby`s room. No longer did I have a baby room in my house. I know your thinking its just a room. To me it was not, it was my sons. When we were building this house, I had the blue picked out for the walls, I had the furniture picked out, I knew where my rocking chair would go ( next to the window, so I could rock him and look into the back yard). In one weekend that was all gone. It felt so final....we had already packed up all the baby items and put them in the closet in "Jacobs room" but besides that it was an empty room, and I wanted to keep it that way until one day when God would tell us its time to have another baby. Now its a school room, and every time I go in there it physically hurts. I think it stings more now because this is around the time that the nursery would have been complete, this was supposed to be the exciting time, the waiting game....any day now we should have been having our son.  My nursery is gone, and my baby is gone....its so final...i hate it!